Can’t Talk…

V. busy playing Mobsters on MySpace.

What? I am kicking some serious ass and takin‘ names…

I will return tomorrow.

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GUESS WHAT?

I WON MY VERY FIRST PiF CONTEST!

That’s right, baby! I WON! WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO.

Okay. I’m done. And now feeling slightly guilty that I haven’t sent off the package to my first PiF winner. I know, I suck. It has been sitting in the back of my van for over a week. Because I keep putting off going to the Post Office. Only because I have to take the boys inside with me. Yeah. Not so much. But I am going to. Because I do feel bad. And slacky. And bad.

Anyhoo, back to being a WINNER. Misty over at http://mistyatourhouse.blogspot.com/ held her own PiF after winning one she entered and I won it! Confused? I am, a little.

But I WON!

I will keep y’all posted. And calm down.

Things That Have Gone The Way Of The Dodo…

They say that after you have a child your life will never be the same. That is absolutely one hundred percent true. And almost ninety-eight percent of that is all warm and fuzzy and gooey deliciousness.

The other two percent? Not so much. No one tells you about the other two percent. So I have decided to take it upon myself to let you know all about what you can expect to miss. At least according to me, that is. Let us begin.

* The very first thing I began to miss was the ability to sleep on my tummy. Sometime after the first trimester it begins to be rather uncomfortable. I liken it to trying to sleep on top of a personal watermelon. You know? Those mini ones? Plus, it just feels like you are crushing the baby. Not very maternal.

* The second thing I miss,to this day,would be my old bladder. Sigh. My old bladder was a champ. Undefeated in his weight. Impressive, no? The new bladder? Let’s just say that he cannot handle any of my Diddy’s funnier jokes. And yes, I know all about Kegels. I am the Kegel Queen. Wait, that sounded a little dirty. Let me rephrase that. I do a lot of Kegels. It ain’t helpin’ me not to pee my pants when I really get to laughing. That’s all I’m saying.

* Another thing that leaves pretty quickly? Your brain. No lie. Kiss it good-bye. You will find yourself forgetting the word for, let’s just use this as an example, cat. It certainly did not happen to me. Nor did it involve any sort of charades to try and make her bonehead husband understand just what in the Sam Hill she was talking about, thankyouverymuch.

* While we are being all Share-y McShare-pants, I miss my sex drive. If anyone has seen her, send her slutty ass home. Who has the time for the sex? No, really. That is a legitimate question.

*The ” Good Ol’ Days “. Being able to sleep in. Or just sleep through the night without having to get up. I’m not greedy. I would make do with either.

* A little thing I used to call privacy. You may refer to it as being able to go to the bathroom in peace. And by yourself, for that matter. Nothing says “love” like a little voice asking what you are doing while you are trying to do your bidness.

* And last, but certainly not least, my sanity. I don’t really think that needs much explanation. If you have children. If you don’t, call me. I will go in to detail.

Now, having said all that, let me say this. I love being a Mama. More than anything in the whole, wide world. But there are days I would like to run off and join the circus just for the break.

Thankfully,those days are few and far between.

The Best Part of My Day…

My day did not start off so well this morning. I ended up having to drive my husband to work at the ungodly hour of six thirty. Bah. Work was work. Except towards the end. When this beeyotch made me get a frickity-frackin’ TRAVEL SYSTEM off the top shelf in the toy area. Because she wanted to look at it. Never mind that it weighed three million pounds. Or that I had to stand on a LADDER to get it. Oh hells no. Then, and here is the kicker, SHE DECIDES NOT TO GET IT. Wait for it. Because the cup holder on the top of the stroller was dirty.

Pissed does not even begin to cover just how angry I was. Still am. Monkeys will fly out of my ass before I lift one finger to ever help her again. Truly.

But the very best part of my day? Watching my boys “dance” to Louis Armstrong. And the rest of the songs on my dad’s Ken Burns Jazz CD set. They love it. They love all music really. It gives my father a kick to be able to share his love of music with my children.

Just like he did with me and my Bubba all those years ago.

Forkaphobia…

I don’t actually know if that is a real phobia, but we will pretend it is. I’ve tried looking it up to no avail. Does anyone know if it is a phobia? Anyone? Bueller?

It is another one of my “family jokes”. I know. I have a lot of ’em. What can I say. We are a funny family. Don’t be haters. Back to the story…

My father loves to run things in to the ground. And stomp on them. And then maybe jump up and down on ’em for good measure. When that happens and we no longer feel like humoring him we say ” Okay, you’re done. Stick a fork in it”. This has been going on for years. Last night I decided to take it one step further. He was rambling on about something that was so no longer funny. I got up, walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a fork from the siverware drawer. Then I walked back in to the living room and stood by the couch until I had his attention. And handed him the fork. The look on his face was priceless. He later told me that he could not believe his only daughter would be so cruel. To which I replied that he was just jealous that he had never thought of it. Which was true. Which then led to the discussion of phobias( see why I never explain my stories?!).

Since I also love running things in to the ground I decided that I needed to make him a t-shirt with the definition of forkaphobia on it! Wouldn’t that be the funniest thing ever? I need to come up with a better name first. Anyone got any ideas? Lemme know. I’m off tomorrow and plan on heading up to Michael’s.

Because I also plan on making one for my Bubba. Hee hee. But I can’t write what I’m going to put on it because his girlfriend reads my blog. But it is FUNNY! After I make the t-shirts I will try to post a picture of them.

I’d Only Ever Seen Him On The Radio…

Don’t even ask about the title. It’s a rather embarrassing remark I made whilst watching the Braves game with my Diddy. It’s a long story that will no longer be even remotely funny by the time I get through explaining it to you all.

Unless you are my Bubba. Then it would probably still be funny.

Let’s just say it will go down in our family archives as,quite possibly, one of the dumbest things I have ever said. Not the dumbest. We already had a winner for that title. Years ago. But it is definitely up there. Hoo boy.

And on that note, I am going to bed. It’s been a very long day.