Things That Have Gone The Way Of The Dodo…

They say that after you have a child your life will never be the same. That is absolutely one hundred percent true. And almost ninety-eight percent of that is all warm and fuzzy and gooey deliciousness.

The other two percent? Not so much. No one tells you about the other two percent. So I have decided to take it upon myself to let you know all about what you can expect to miss. At least according to me, that is. Let us begin.

* The very first thing I began to miss was the ability to sleep on my tummy. Sometime after the first trimester it begins to be rather uncomfortable. I liken it to trying to sleep on top of a personal watermelon. You know? Those mini ones? Plus, it just feels like you are crushing the baby. Not very maternal.

* The second thing I miss,to this day,would be my old bladder. Sigh. My old bladder was a champ. Undefeated in his weight. Impressive, no? The new bladder? Let’s just say that he cannot handle any of my Diddy’s funnier jokes. And yes, I know all about Kegels. I am the Kegel Queen. Wait, that sounded a little dirty. Let me rephrase that. I do a lot of Kegels. It ain’t helpin’ me not to pee my pants when I really get to laughing. That’s all I’m saying.

* Another thing that leaves pretty quickly? Your brain. No lie. Kiss it good-bye. You will find yourself forgetting the word for, let’s just use this as an example, cat. It certainly did not happen to me. Nor did it involve any sort of charades to try and make her bonehead husband understand just what in the Sam Hill she was talking about, thankyouverymuch.

* While we are being all Share-y McShare-pants, I miss my sex drive. If anyone has seen her, send her slutty ass home. Who has the time for the sex? No, really. That is a legitimate question.

*The ” Good Ol’ Days “. Being able to sleep in. Or just sleep through the night without having to get up. I’m not greedy. I would make do with either.

* A little thing I used to call privacy. You may refer to it as being able to go to the bathroom in peace. And by yourself, for that matter. Nothing says “love” like a little voice asking what you are doing while you are trying to do your bidness.

* And last, but certainly not least, my sanity. I don’t really think that needs much explanation. If you have children. If you don’t, call me. I will go in to detail.

Now, having said all that, let me say this. I love being a Mama. More than anything in the whole, wide world. But there are days I would like to run off and join the circus just for the break.

Thankfully,those days are few and far between.

Jury Duty…

I had this other post all worked out in mah head. And I can think of nothing but jury duty. I report in the morning. I believe this means I will finally know one way or the other if I made it on the jury.

I am not afraid to say I’m skeert. ‘Cause I am. Big time.

I have had too much time to think about what it will mean to actually be on this jury. The time spent away from mah children and mah husband. In less you count the nights after surgeries one,two and three, I have never been away from mah children for any length of time. I know that sounds a little nutty, but it is true. I don’t enjoy being without them. I never sleep very well when they are not right down the hall from me. How will I ever survive three weeks, or more without them?

People keep telling me to “lie” or “make up crazy answers”. And I am sorry, but I can’t do that. It isn’t right. And it isn’t fair. If you are going to do that then you have no business being on a jury. Ever.

In mah humble opinion, that is why our legal system works. For the most part. It is vital that people be honest and as forthright as possible to insure that justice will be served.

I have also thought long and hard about the desisions I will be forced to make concerning the particular case I may be hearing. I believe myself to fair and just. It is just so overwhelming to realize the power I will hold over this person’s future. I know it is out of mah hands now. I answered all of their questions as honestly as I possibly could. If that gets me on the jury, then so be it. I will do mah very best to remain impartial and true to myself.

I also know that there is no sense in getting worked up over something that might not even happen. I guess I am trying to prepare myself either way.

Wish me luck.

Gulp….

I think I made it on the jury.

I am scared shitless.

I have to call every day after six to find out when I report next.

Did I mention the scared part?

‘Cause I am.

It is serious and so not what I thought it would be about.

I just hope I have the strength and the courage to do what is asked of me. I believe I do. I answered the questions honestly. And that is so much harder than you would ever even think it would be.

And way more sweaty. I have never applied that much deodorant in my life. Is that considered TMI? If so, you may want to stop reading my blog now.

Because I generally talk about things that you may not want to hear, or even agree with me about.

I’m just sayin’…